Well, here I am again… alone in my bedroom late at night crying over you. It’s been 6 months. I’ve cried myself to sleep every single night for the past 6 months. The weight of your death is suffocating me and I can’t breathe anymore. Sometimes I wish I would stop breathing for my breath is the only thing that renders me to be alive but I am not alive. My life ended when yours did, little one. My heart still beats unlike yours but there is no life inside of me anymore. You were my dream, you were my future, you gave me a reason to live and now that you’re gone, I can’t seem to find the will to go on.
I often contemplate on taking my own life, just like I have so selfishly taken yours. I find myself letting go of the steering wheel while driving 90 down the freeway, I climb to the rooftop of 15 story buildings and look down over the edge, I hold my breath in the ocean longer than I should, hoping that one day, my aching heart will stop aching.
I tell my family and friends that I’m not sad anymore because I’m sure they’re tired of listening to me cry about the same things day after day but the truth is, I’m in the worst amount of pain. Even though you’re not here, I still carry you. It’s ironic, huh? I thought your life would ruin mine but it turns out the absence of your life is what ruined me. You were my life. Just like the stars you lit up my world but when your light died out, so did the sky and I can’t look at the stars anymore because it makes me wonder where you are. You really did take the life right out of me and I can’t live with this burden in my heart anymore.
Reno has a drive thru wedding chapel which is extremely convenient for when I feel like I need to trap guys into marriage. Better watch out for me, I’ll marry you so fast. Think you’re getting a combo meal but you end up with a wife.
Oh well, the devil makes us sin
But we like it when we’re spinning in his grip
the saddest part in the fault in our stars is when augustus falls in the chocolate river and gets sucked up the pipe
"Let’s take a photo together"
"Okay but don’t touch me"
- a real conversation I had seconds before taking a photo with beef cake here.
Taking a much needed vacation, flight leaves super early tomorrow.
San Diego here I come!
Sometimes the best documentation is the memories that your eyes and heart capture. No lense has the power to capture the feeling of experience. I feel like I wasted a lot of my life and missed out on a lot of great experiences because I was always stressing, trying to get a good picture when really, I would have enjoyed what I was doing more if I would have simply just fully indulged myself in the opportunity that was being presented to me at the time. Life is different when you’re looking at the world through a lense. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s good to take pictures, you should take pictures of yourself when you’re happy, when you’re sad. Take pictures of your food, of places you’ve traveled, of things you’ve purchased… but when you’re with a group of friends, put down the camera, put down the phone, whatever friends you’re texting, whatever tweet you’re tweeting, or picture you’re instagramming, can wait. Just enjoy the great company that you have right in front of you and see the world with nature’s lense, the best lense of all, your eyes.
My sweetest baby,
This was the first weekend I’ve gone out since I lost you. One of my followers basically yelled at me to stop being so mopey and at least try and be happy, so I did.
It’s amazing how in the midst of laughing and good friends, the thought of you can still creep into my mind. I found myself halfway through the night going into the bathroom stall and just crying because I couldn’t contain my sadness. I know I say this all the time, but I miss you.
I miss you so much.
People keep telling me that it will get easier but I don’t feel like it ever will. My heart still aches and I still get that lump in the back of my throat with every thought of you.
I love you little one, I wish you were still here.
It seems that when your little heart stopped beating, so did my relationship with your father. The absence of your life has taken a toll on mine. I can’t make it through the day without crying about you. I miss you so much it hurts and while I love your father, I just can’t be hurt by him anymore, either.
He gave me life, he gave me you, and that’s by far the greatest gift that I have ever been given. We’ll forever be intertwined by your soul, because he is your dad, we are your parents, and for that reason I will forever love him.
It is a difficult thing to figure out what it means to be a mother, especially when my “proof” of motherhood isn’t with me in a stroller or a carseat. There are so many names for people who have lost someone they love. A wife who loses her husband is a widow. A child who loses their parents is an orphan. But there is no new word for a mother who loses a child, for she remains just that: a mother. Within my womb, we shared our hearts. You touched my soul and sweetenened my spirit and that’s all the proof of being a mom that I need.
I’m so honored to be your mother and so grateful to have felt your life inside of mine, even if it was only for a few, sweet, short weeks. Happy Mother’s Day little one.
Love, Your Mommy
Meet Professor Swimmy!
Only my boyfriend would show up in the middle of the night with a goldfish because I had mentioned earlier that I wanted a goldfish.
i felt something that I had never touched
My heart grows heavier with every thought of you. I feel like I’m sinking, drowning in a sea of my own sadness, struggling to breathe because I cannot bare the thought of breathing just for one. My heart is pining for yours to be beating again, longing for your life. I didn’t know this kind of pain existed until your presence was no longer in the midst of mine. A part of me died with you on April 24th, and every day I feel more and more empty without you.
That day has been on repeat, playing over and over again in my head tearing my soul apart. That vivid memory of me crying out for you in panic, telling you how much I love you and how sorry I was for what was about to happen. Those were the last words your beautiful heart beated to and they’ll never be enough.
You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You will forever be my first love, my first child and nobody could ever replace that love in my heart that I have for you or that special place you will always hold.
You’ve taught me so much in your short time on earth… about the value and beauty of each individual life, no matter how small. You showed me love was all you needed. The grief I feel is hardly as big as the love, my sweet, sweet baby and this love I have for you knows no bounds. I am just so sorry I discovered this love too late.